Tax Credit Casualties Forum
Tax Credit Casualties Forum
Home | Profile | Active Topics | Active Polls | Members | Private Messages | Search | FAQ
Username:
Password:
Save Password
Forgot your Password?

 All Forums
 Archive
 Light Relief
 Jokes
 Forum Locked
 Printer Friendly
Next Page
Author Previous Topic Topic Next Topic
Page: of 4

Alan the Geordie
Admin


3032 Posts

Posted - 13/06/2007 :  11:10:32  Show Profile Send Alan the Geordie a Private Message
I thought it a good idea to have a Joke Thread just as a change from the "serious" stuff.

Please feel free to post your jokes here!

Edited by - Alan the Geordie on 13/06/2007 11:11:58

Google AdSense

USA
Mountain View


Alan the Geordie
Admin



3032 Posts

Posted - 13/06/2007 :  11:12:29  Show Profile Send Alan the Geordie a Private Message
WIFE:
What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?

HUSBAND:
Definitely not!

WIFE:
Why not - don't you like being married?
..................(pause)......................... ..

HUSBAND:
Of course I do.

WIFE:
Then why wouldn't you remarry?

HUSBAND:
Okay, I'd get married again.

WIFE:
You would? (with a hurtful look on her face).

HUSBAND:
(makes audible groan).

WIFE:
Would you live in our house?

HUSBAND:
Sure, it's a great house.

WIFE:
Would you sleep with her in our bed?

HUSBAND:
Where else would we sleep?

WIFE:
Would you let her drive my car?

HUSBAND:
Probably, it is almost new

WIFE:
Would you replace my pictures with hers?

HUSBAND:
That would seem like the proper thing to do.

WIFE:
Would she use my golf clubs?

HUSBAND:
No, she's left-handed.

WIFE:
- silence - -

HUSBAND:
F**k
Go to Top of Page

Alan the Geordie
Admin



3032 Posts

Posted - 13/06/2007 :  11:19:31  Show Profile Send Alan the Geordie a Private Message
Balloonist
A man flying in a hot air balloon suddenly realizes he’s lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts to get directions, "Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?"
The man below says: "Yes, you're in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field."
"You must work in Information Technology," says the balloonist.
"I do" replies the man. "How did you know?"
"Well," says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but It's of no use to anyone." The man below replies, "You must work in management."
"I do" replies the balloonist, "But how'd you know?"
"Well", says the man, "you don’t know where you are, or where you’re going, you expect me to be able to help. You’re in the same position you were before we met, but now it’s my fault."

Go to Top of Page

Alan the Geordie
Admin



3032 Posts

Posted - 13/06/2007 :  11:20:54  Show Profile Send Alan the Geordie a Private Message
Bill Gates Dies
Bill Gates died in a car accident. He found himself in Purgatory being sized up by God. ...
"Well, Bill, I'm really confused on this call. I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you enormously helped society by putting a computer in almost every home in the world and yet you created that ghastly Windows 95. I'm going to do something I've never done before. In your case, I'm going to let you decide where you want to go!"
Bill replied: "Well, thanks, God. What's the difference between the two?"
God said: "I'm willing to let you visit both places briefly if it will help you make a decision."
"Fine, but where should I go first?" asked Bill.
God said: "I'm going to leave it up to you."
Bill said: "OK, then, let's try Hell first." So Bill went to Hell...
It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters. There were thousands of beautiful women running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about. The sun was shining and the temperature was perfect. Bill was very pleased.
"This is great!" he told God. "If this is Hell, I REALLY want to see Heaven!"
"Fine" said God and off they went.
Heaven was a high place in the clouds, with angels drifting about playing harps and singing. It was nice but not as enticing as Hell. Bill thought for a quick minute and rendered his decision.
"Hmm, I think I prefer Hell" he told God.
"Fine" retorted God, "as you desire".
So Bill Gates went to Hell.
Two weeks later, God decided to check up on the late billionaire to see how he was doing in Hell.
When God arrived in Hell, he found Bill shackled to a wall, screaming amongst the hot flames in a dark cave. He was being burned and tortured by demons.
"How's everything going, Bill?" God asked.
Bill responded, his voice full of anguish and disappointment: "This is awful, this is not what I expected. I can't believe this happened. What happened to that other place with the beaches and the beautiful women playing in the water?"
God says: "That was the screen saver."

Go to Top of Page

Alan the Geordie
Admin



3032 Posts

Posted - 13/06/2007 :  11:24:59  Show Profile Send Alan the Geordie a Private Message
Children And The Bible
The following statements about the Bible were written by children and have not been retouched or corrected (i.e., bad spelling has been left in.)
In the first book of the Bible, Guinesses, God got tired of creating the world, so he took the Sabbath off.
Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree.
Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark because Noah built the ark, which the animals came to in pears.
Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.
The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with unsympathetic Genitals.
Samson was a strong man who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah.
Samson slew the Philistines with the axe of the Apostles.
Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread without any ingredients.
The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert.
Afterwards, Moses went up to Mount Cyanide to find the ten commendments.
The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.
The seventh commandment is "Thou shalt not admit adultery".
Moses died before he ever reached Canada.
Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol.
The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.
David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Finkelsteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times.
Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.
When Mary heard that she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta.
Then the three Wise Guys from the east arrived and found Jesus in the manager.
Jesus was born because Mary had an Immaculate Contraption.
St. John, the blacksmith, dumped water on his head.
Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says do one to others before they do one to you.
He also explained that "Man does not live by sweat alone".
It was a miricle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance.
The people who followed Jesus were called the 12 decibles.
The epistles were the wives of the apostles.
One of the opossums was St. Matthew who was also a taximan.
St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached the holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage.
A Christian should have only one spouse. This is called monotony.

Go to Top of Page

sammy
Rank; Really should become a politician



690 Posts

Posted - 14/06/2007 :  18:40:37  Show Profile Send sammy a Private Message
Tax Inspector dies and is met at the gates by St Peter, St Peter says ‘Hey you can’t come in here just like that, first you need to complete a task to show that you are worthy.’

‘Ok’ ‘what do I need to do?’ asks the tax inspector.

St Peter says ‘First, go to Whitby with this bucket and empty the harbour of water’ if you complete this task you will surely be worthy’

The tax inspector sets off on his mission, after 12 weeks he manages to empty 70 million buckets of sea water from the harbour but then a huge hurricane strikes and re-floods the harbour.

Oh ****, thinks the taxman, I’m going to explain what happened and maybe St Peter would be reasonable and let me in.

The tax inspector returns to St Peter with his bucket and explains what happened.

St Peter being a reasonable sort of guy accepts the tax mans explanation and gives him another chance.

St Peter says, ‘return to Whitby and count every single grain of sand on the beach, and return to me with the number’

‘Oh deep ****’ thinks the tax inspector but off he sets.

After 18 weeks and his count up to 967,098,764,321 the hurricane strikes again sweeping all the sand back on to the beach.

That was real bad luck thinks the tax man, and decides to plead his case with St Peter.

St Peter listens to the inspectors plea with compassion and decides to give the tax man one last chance.

St Peter says to the tax inspector, ‘return to your previous job and sort out the tax credits fiasco and report back to me’

The tax inspector says ‘give me that ****ing bucket back.’

Go to Top of Page

Robert
Admin



United Kingdom
829 Posts

Posted - 14/06/2007 :  18:51:19  Show Profile Send Robert a Private Message
Rofl....

The truth is out there.. GO get it..

Go to Top of Page

n/a
deleted



35 Posts

Posted - 14/06/2007 :  20:30:51  Show Profile Send n/a a Private Message
A couple of weeks after hearing a sermon on Psalms 51:2-4 and Psalms 52:3-4 (lies and deceit), a man wrote the following letter to HMRC:

I have been unable to sleep, knowing that I have cheated on my Tax Return. I understated my taxable income, and so I have enclosed a cheque for £150.00

Sincerely,
Taxpayer

P.S. If I still can't sleep, I will send the rest.
Go to Top of Page

familytaxcredit
Forum Admin



373 Posts

Posted - 15/06/2007 :  12:56:35  Show Profile Send familytaxcredit a Private Message
The trouble with the tax credit inspectors is that 99% of them give the rest a bad name
Go to Top of Page

sammy
Rank; Really should become a politician



690 Posts

Posted - 19/06/2007 :  17:31:35  Show Profile Send sammy a Private Message
Unbeknown to the British public, HMRC are asking for donations from the jewish community; namely cast off foreskins.

The Revenue insist they will soon be a full set of pricks
Go to Top of Page

Alan the Geordie
Admin



3032 Posts

Posted - 19/06/2007 :  18:32:06  Show Profile Send Alan the Geordie a Private Message
On a similar theme; the difference between HMRC and a Rose Bush is that the rose bush has its pricks on the outside ....
Go to Top of Page

sammy
Rank; Really should become a politician



690 Posts

Posted - 20/06/2007 :  01:27:05  Show Profile Send sammy a Private Message
Gordon Brown to Dawn Primarolo

'Dawn, what time is it?'

'I refer the right honourable gentleman to article 6N paragraph 34(h)which is freely available on You must be logged in to see this link.

Edited by - sammy on 20/06/2007 01:35:46
Go to Top of Page

Alan the Geordie
Admin



3032 Posts

Posted - 20/06/2007 :  11:02:13  Show Profile Send Alan the Geordie a Private Message
I found this one on the HMRC Employees site and nicked it. Who says HMRC don't have a sense of humour?!

<<A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously
divorced ten husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin". "What?" said the puzzled groom, "How can that be if you've been married ten times?

So she explained:

Husband #1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great it's going to be.

Husband #2 was in software; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and call me.

Husband #3 was from network services; he said everything checked out diagnostically, but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telesales; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from Finance and Administration; he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in Marketing; although he had a product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a Psychiatrist; all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a Gynaecologist; all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a Stamp Collector; all he ever did was...............oh how I miss him!

But now I have married you, "I'm so excited!"

"Good", said the husband, "but why?"

"You're a Tax Man......This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!">>
Go to Top of Page

Alan the Geordie
Admin



3032 Posts

Posted - 20/06/2007 :  11:33:10  Show Profile Send Alan the Geordie a Private Message
A language instructor was explaining to her class that in French, nouns, unlike their English counterparts, are grammatically designated as masculine or feminine.

"House," in French, is feminine - "la maison." "Pencil," in French, is masculine "le crayon."

One puzzled student asked, "What gender is 'computer'?"
The teacher did not know, and the word wasn't in her French dictionary. So for fun she split the class into two groups appropriately enough, by gender and asked them to decide whether "computer" should be a masculine or feminine noun. Both groups were required to give four reasons for their recommendation.
The men's group decided that computers should definitely be of the feminine gender ("la computer"), because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for possible later retrieval
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your pay cheque on accessories for it.
The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be masculine ("le computer"), because:
1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on;
2. They have a lot of data but they are still clueless;
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you'd waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.
Go to Top of Page

Alan the Geordie
Admin



3032 Posts

Posted - 20/06/2007 :  11:33:54  Show Profile Send Alan the Geordie a Private Message
Darla's Doctors Visit
A woman takes her 16-year-old daughter to the doctor.
The doctor says, "Okay, Mrs. Jones, what's the problem?"
The mother says, "It's my daughter Darla. She keeps getting these cravings, she's putting on weight, and is sick most mornings."
The doctor gives Darla a good examination, then turns to the mother and says, "Well, I don't know how to tell you this, but your Darla is pregnant - about 4 months, would be my guess."
The mother says, "Pregnant?! She can't be, she has never ever been left alone with a man! Have you, Darla?"
Darla says, "No mother! I've never even kissed a man!"
The doctor walked over to the window and just stares out of it.
About five minutes pass and finally the mother says, "Is there something wrong out there doctor?"
The doctor replies, "No, not really, it's just that the last time anything like this happened, a star appeared in the east and three wise men came over the hill. I'll be darned if I'm going to miss it this time!"
Go to Top of Page

Alan the Geordie
Admin



3032 Posts

Posted - 20/06/2007 :  11:38:07  Show Profile Send Alan the Geordie a Private Message
HEAVENLY
The time has come for St. Peter's annual three-week vacation, and Jesus volunteers to fill in for him at the Pearly Gates.

"It's no big deal," St. Peter explains. "Sit at the registration desk, and ask each person a little about his or her life. Then send them on to housekeeping to pick up their wings."

On the third day, Jesus looks up to see a bewildered old man standing in front of him.

"I'm a simple carpenter," says the man. "And once I had a son. He was born in a very special way, and was unlike anyone else in this world. He went through a great transformation even though he had holes in his hands
and feet. He was taken from me a long time ago, but his spirit lives on forever. All over the world people tell his story."

By this time, Jesus is standing with his arms outstretched. There are tears in his eyes, and he embraces the old man.

"Father," he cries out, "It's been so long!"

The old man squints, stares for a moment, and says,



"Pinocchio?"
Go to Top of Page

Alan the Geordie
Admin



3032 Posts

Posted - 20/06/2007 :  11:45:23  Show Profile Send Alan the Geordie a Private Message
Hospital Stay

A man was brought to Mercy Hospital, and went in for coronary surgery.

The operation went well, and as the groggy man regained consciousness, he was reassured by a Sister of Mercy waiting by his bed.

"Mr. Smith, you're going to be just fine," the nun said while patting his hand. "We do have to know, however, how you intend to pay for your stay here. Are you covered by insurance?"

"No, I'm not," the man whispered hoarsely.

"Can you pay in cash?"

"I'm afraid I can't, Sister."

"Do you have any close relatives, then?"

"Just my sister in New Mexico," replied, "but she's a spinster nun."

"Nuns are not spinsters, Mr. Smith," the nun replied. "They are married to God."

"Okay," the man said with a smile, "then bill my brother-in-law."
Go to Top of Page

Ali M-W
Mod



3558 Posts

Posted - 20/06/2007 :  14:52:31  Show Profile Send Ali M-W a Private Message
With all the stress of tax credits, we could all use a little more calmness in our lives.

By following the simple advice a colleague gave me yesterday, I have
finally found inner peace.

She heard a psychologist proclaim - "The way to achieve inner peace is to
finish all the things you've started and never finished"

So last night I looked around my house to see all the things I had
started and hadn't finished, and before leaving the house, I finished off a
bottle of Chardonnay, a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Bailey's Irish Cream, a packet of Jaffa cakes, the remainder of an old Prozac prescription, the rest of the black forest gateau, some Doritos, some Walkers Sensations (Chilli flavour) and a box of Milk Tray............You have no idea how b****y good I feel!!!!

The man is a genius!
Go to Top of Page

Alan the Geordie
Admin



3032 Posts

Posted - 20/06/2007 :  19:07:43  Show Profile Send Alan the Geordie a Private Message
Ali's joke is so good that she thought it deserved to be told twice!! ;)
Go to Top of Page

Ali M-W
Mod



3558 Posts

Posted - 20/06/2007 :  20:32:27  Show Profile Send Ali M-W a Private Message
When I posted something weird happened to the page, and I haven't been able to delete. Wonders of modern technology.

....and what do you know! Duplicate now gone! If only we could get rid of tax credit 'debts' that easily...

Edited by - Ali M-W on 20/06/2007 20:38:40
Go to Top of Page

Alan the Geordie
Admin



3032 Posts

Posted - 21/06/2007 :  13:31:10  Show Profile Send Alan the Geordie a Private Message
quote:
Originally posted by Ali M-W

When I posted something weird happened to the page, and I haven't been able to delete. Wonders of modern technology.

....and what do you know! Duplicate now gone! If only we could get rid of tax credit 'debts' that easily...



Maybe if we could hack into HMRC's computer they would!
Go to Top of Page
Page: of 4 Previous Topic Topic Next Topic  
Next Page
 Forum Locked
 Printer Friendly
Jump To:
Tax Credit Casualties Forum © 2005-10 Tax Credit Casualties Go To Top Of Page
Snitz Forums 2000
RSS Feed 1 RSS Feed 2
Powered by ForumCo 2000-2008
TOS - AUP - URA - Privacy Policy